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| "A Tale From The Carnal Morgue" |
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Mail Order Bride
SCREENER/APPROX. 36 MINS/2006/USA UNRATED
SCREENER/APPROX. 36 MINS/2006/USA UNRATED
Mail Order Bride is the new short film by David Quitmeyer, the guy who brought us the surprisingly good horror porno Slaughter Disc.
Mail Order Bride is about a man who’s been through a string of relationships, and is once again on the prowl. After seeing an ad on television he
ends up ordering a PC-2000 (Personal Concubine-2000), a life like doll that can be programmed to fulfil all sexual desires. When she arrives, she’s
not quite what he ordered, and bears what appears to be an autopsy scar. He decides to try her out anyway, but when he is negligent with her
programming, things get deadly. Obviously, he’d never seen Gremlins, so didn’t know how important it is to always heed the rules that come with
a new possession.
This is a low budget outing, so the acting’s not always great, but there are some good camp performances. Caroline Pierce of Slaughter Disc is
back, and does a good job as the bride. Quitmeyer turns in an amusing performance himself as a wacky television host.
Humour is a lot more prevalent here than with Slaughter Disc, which makes sense because Mail Order Bride is clearly influenced by one of the
greatest funny horror films of all time, Bride of Frankenstein. I laughed at the mangina lady and the name of the television station, but by far the
best bits of comedy came from snippets of cheap horror movies some of the characters watch. These clips were all hugely amusing, but the best
was Cinco de Mayo Massacre. Quitmeyer NEEDS to make this movie for real!!! Fuck All Souls Day! Fuck From Dusk Till Dawn! Even fuck
Santo! This would be the greatest Mexican horror movie ever! C’mon, David, you know you want to make this!
Despite making me laugh a lot, Mail Order Bride isn’t perfect. It’s short, but it still could of had a few moments trimmed, particularly the annoying
fourth wall violations. Also, the viewer is unfortunately quite ahead of the story, knowing exactly where it’s headed. It is a short film, so you’re not
ahead of it for too long, but you’ll know what’s going to happen well before it does. Oddly, despite this, the story has room for expansion, as once
the mayhem starts, the film ends. I’m game for an extended version featuring the bride on a full fuck and kill rampage.
Fans of Slaughter Disc may be saddened to hear that there is no hardcore sex in Mail Order Bride (aside from a few frames of a blowjob video,
but that’s still non-penetrative footage). However, there is quite a bit of T&A, and ultimately Mail Order Bride is the more entertaining film of the
two.
Mail Order Bride is funnier than most horror comedies, scarier than most nudie flicks, and shorter than most feature films. I really enjoyed it, and I
eagerly await Quitmeyer’s next offering.
Mail Order Bride is about a man who’s been through a string of relationships, and is once again on the prowl. After seeing an ad on television he
ends up ordering a PC-2000 (Personal Concubine-2000), a life like doll that can be programmed to fulfil all sexual desires. When she arrives, she’s
not quite what he ordered, and bears what appears to be an autopsy scar. He decides to try her out anyway, but when he is negligent with her
programming, things get deadly. Obviously, he’d never seen Gremlins, so didn’t know how important it is to always heed the rules that come with
a new possession.
This is a low budget outing, so the acting’s not always great, but there are some good camp performances. Caroline Pierce of Slaughter Disc is
back, and does a good job as the bride. Quitmeyer turns in an amusing performance himself as a wacky television host.
Humour is a lot more prevalent here than with Slaughter Disc, which makes sense because Mail Order Bride is clearly influenced by one of the
greatest funny horror films of all time, Bride of Frankenstein. I laughed at the mangina lady and the name of the television station, but by far the
best bits of comedy came from snippets of cheap horror movies some of the characters watch. These clips were all hugely amusing, but the best
was Cinco de Mayo Massacre. Quitmeyer NEEDS to make this movie for real!!! Fuck All Souls Day! Fuck From Dusk Till Dawn! Even fuck
Santo! This would be the greatest Mexican horror movie ever! C’mon, David, you know you want to make this!
Despite making me laugh a lot, Mail Order Bride isn’t perfect. It’s short, but it still could of had a few moments trimmed, particularly the annoying
fourth wall violations. Also, the viewer is unfortunately quite ahead of the story, knowing exactly where it’s headed. It is a short film, so you’re not
ahead of it for too long, but you’ll know what’s going to happen well before it does. Oddly, despite this, the story has room for expansion, as once
the mayhem starts, the film ends. I’m game for an extended version featuring the bride on a full fuck and kill rampage.
Fans of Slaughter Disc may be saddened to hear that there is no hardcore sex in Mail Order Bride (aside from a few frames of a blowjob video,
but that’s still non-penetrative footage). However, there is quite a bit of T&A, and ultimately Mail Order Bride is the more entertaining film of the
two.
Mail Order Bride is funnier than most horror comedies, scarier than most nudie flicks, and shorter than most feature films. I really enjoyed it, and I
eagerly await Quitmeyer’s next offering.
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